How do I know that I am healing?

“I knew I was healing when… I started responding rather than reacting …. I enjoyed alone time …. I saw my parents as people with their own unresolved trauma …. I set boundaries and when people didn’t respect them, I knew they were clearing space for those who did …. I was ok with being misunderstood” — Dr Nicole Lepera

My intention with this piece is to answer this question that I see come up quite often in online self-help communities

“How do I know if I am healing?”

After experiencing years of feeling like I was on a talk therapy healing hamster wheel, FAR too often I have heard people say that they have been in therapy for years and yet no real change has been translated into their everyday life, but maybe things are changing and its a years or even decades long and subtle journey, right??

NO… Not right.

Yes, you may know your trauma better…

Heck, you may know about how your nervous system works better, about how you find yourself in hypo or hyper arousal… you may be acutely and sometimes painfully aware of your attachment style… and of course all of this can be extremely useful…

But little to no change? The internal and at home struggle is still real, you still feel very much affected by past problems, experiences, abuse and conflict?

Is this healing?? hmm…

So…If you are asking yourself the question — how do I know if I am healing?

Then try to answer these questions first:

🌙 How do you know that you need healing? What circumstances in your life have pushed you to seek healing?

🌙 Is it that you feel emotionally dysregulated, you blow up at your loved ones too regularly? You shut down at the smallest of challenges or find yourself numbing your feelings with substances like alcohol or tobacco and weed?

🌙 Do you perhaps feel rigid in your ways and mindset, rationally thinking you should be able to relax and be more at ease, but in reality you feel stuck, harsh, cold or frozen using absolutes like “I will never” and all the while wishing you were more laid back.

🌙 Do you seek constant validation? Feel socially anxious, like people are judging everything you have to say or do? The way you dress, the way you wear your hair, if you work enough, if you do enough self-care, if you meditate enough…!!!

🌙 Do you wake up feeling shaky and anxious each morning and have to jump out of bed to ignore the negative thoughts that come in?

🌙 Do you spend days ruminating on something that was said or catastrophising, thinking of worse case scenarios?

🌙 Are you unable to receive any judgement or criticism, even from people who rationally you know are not even attempting to work through their own stuff?

🌙 Do you feel like you need to rigidly control situations, relationships, food intake and so on?

You may not be answering yes to all these questions but if you are still struggling in your relationship with yourself and others years on after experiencing loss, abandonment or other trauma…. will have your own version…

Take some action:

Write a list of some reasons you are aware of that you need to heal

Then, next to each one write some indicators of what would be changing in your life if you healed

This little exercise in your journal can be helpful because sometimes, often, the results of our healing efforts ARE subtle.

AND despite this subtlety… if you are working with effective healing modalities such as Journey process work, EMDR, Family Constellation work, IFS and possibly others, you should be seeing BIG changes in your life and wellbeing within a year of working 1:1 with a good practitioner.

If you have tried something (including a therapist) for a while (4–6 month is a good amount of time to see changes) and you don’t feel it’s helping, it probably isn’t. It might be time to try something new.

The changes that you will begin to see through your healing efforts fall into these areas

Feeling More Emotionally Regulated — ‘having your emotions so that your emotions don’t have you!’ This means that you are able to interact with others and the world while effectively processing and modulating your emotions with reduced intensity and frequency of difficult emotions like anxiety, anger, or sadness. You recognize, understand, and work with your emotions in all situations and be able to express them more authentically.

Having More of a Growth Mindset — so you are more able to embrace challenges, persist in your efforts when things get hard, see setbacks and failures as learning experiences, stay open to learning and be able to celebrate others in their successes.

A Deeper Knowing of Your Worth — without having to check in daily with yourself — this may look like accepting and validating yourself, noticing more positive self talk and awareness, feeling more authentic and having boundaries that feel good.

More Energy for the Things You Love — Having more headspace and energy for moving forward with projects that fulfill you without the need for continuous conversation about healing or your daily struggle.

Social Peace and Connection — feeling at ease wherever you go, being aware of when you don’t feel at ease and why that is and being able to make changes so that you can maintain your social peace without dropping into freeze states. Feeling connected with people around you.

Positive Feedback from Others — Sometimes, those around you may notice positive changes in your behavior, attitude, or well-being, even if you haven’t noticed them yourself. The knock on effect of this may be that you notice big positive shifts in your communication and relationships

Greater Resilience and Compassion for Others — you have a greater ability to deal with life’s challenges and you have an understanding that others are also either on their healing path or have not engaged in it yet and that with your own healthy boundaries they are free to proceed at their own pace with the emotional resources they have. All you can do is be a lighthouse for them.

Physical healing — because of the way that our nervous systems are wired to work you may well see changes in previously unexplained physical symptoms such as digestive issues or skin conditions, autoimmune diseases and sleep. You may experience increased energy levels, better mobility and less inflammation (did you know there are studies that link shame to inflammation?)

Reduced Reliance on Coping Mechanisms — As you heal, you may rely less on unhealthy coping mechanisms (e.g. substance abuse, avoidance, self-destructive behaviors) and develop healthier ways to manage any stress or challenging emotional situations.

Re-engaging — reclaiming your life and reengaging in activities you once enjoyed but may have abandoned during challenging times.

Wow, that’s a lot to look forward to!

Sometimes I wish I had read something like this in my mid 20’s when my unresolved emotional issues really started to show and I started to look for help. But I am grateful for the journey and happy to be sharing this with you now.

And as I said earlier, healing will look different for each of us… based on experience, life circumstances and personality!!

I myself knew I was healing when…

✯ I stopped needing to be hugged till I could hardly breathe.

✯ I started to set boundaries that felt less ridgid and reactionary.

✯ I stopped creating big fantasies about how I may be fulfilled and have a good relationship every time I met a man I felt attracted to. Instead I found myself saying ‘that’s a good looking man, and that’s all I know about him.

✯ I chose to be in relationship with a man who was present instead of absent (like my father).

✯ I started to be able to let love in and feel that I could allow myself to feel loved by others.

✯ I stopped having regular disagreements and angry outbursts towards my mother.

✯ I knew how to manage it on the more occasional times when I felt triggered.

✯ I stopped talking about the struggle and needing to have my trauma validated all the time.

✯ I felt at peace with my past and more present in my life.

I do hope this inspires you!

Bottom line is: You will feel it. Your life will change for the better. More presence, more energy, more love.

It’s important to note that healing is a gradual and non-linear process. You might experience ups and downs along the way, and that’s perfectly normal.

If you’re working with a therapist or healthcare professional, they can provide valuable insights and help you track your progress.

And hopefully they can provide process work that helps you to reconsolidate your memories, connect with and soothe your inner children and come to a place where forgiveness comes naturally.

If not… my dm’s are always open and I often am offering free sessions so that you can experience the work before deciding if its for you.

Hasta pronto amiga