“Toxic People” and How to cut ties in a healthy way
“There’s a salient difference between identifying specific harmful actions versus categorising an entire person as toxic.” — Ellie Hughes
Have you had to cut certain people out of your life?
Do you consider certain people to be “toxic”?
This topic has come to my attention because I see so many people, in the groups I am in, across the social media platforms etc… that are advocating and encouraging people to go “No Contact”, often with family members who they consider to be “toxic”.
And… this is understandable… there has been rupture… there is pain present…
Let us first unpack this idea of people being ‘toxic’.
Since the term ‘toxic relationship’ was coined in a 1995 book, it has become more and more common to refer to people as ‘toxic’… or ‘poisonous’…
The first definition that comes up when you google “toxic person” defines it as “anyone whose behaviour adds negativity and upset to your life.” (WebMD)
But, if you think about it… by that definition, pretty much anyone is toxic! Our friends, our partners, our children, our siblings, even our pets!
…Are negativity and upset not regular parts of the human experience?
It makes me think about how enormously thankful I am that I wasn’t called ‘toxic’ by my loved ones based on my own mistakes and volatile behaviours when I was still in the midst of unresolved emotional chaos.
And what I have since learned is that when we choose to navigate upsetting situations rather than running away from them, we strengthen our emotional resilience, empathy, and the maturity needed to set boundaries.
As a result, we can become far more capable of handling the unavoidable unpleasant circumstances that life presents us.
The words we use have the ability to shape not only the way we view individuals but also our worldview as a whole.
If you ask me, a planet where everyone who upsets us is labeled as toxic could become a lonely place indeed.
So, instead of labelling people by their lowest behavior, I would encourage you to pause and identify the specific action that’s making you feel upset.
Often, you may realize that someone’s actions have either triggered something that needs some healing or upset your ego — both of which you have the power to address.
And in some cases, you may indeed need to make the decision to go No Contact for some time.
For example, I myself completely cut contact with my ex and father of one of my children for over 2 years… and it was super necessary because the relationship had been emotionally abusive (on both parts for years) and was beginning to get physically abusive too.
ARE YOU A COMMON DENOMINATOR?
If you, like me, have spent any time thinking about your own patterns you may have started to recognise that in fact… you have in fact been a common denominator in your relationship struggles… you may even recognise some ‘toxic traits’ in yourself and I don’t say that to put you down or to discount other people’s involvement — we know it takes two 2 tango….
We all deserve to live our best lives without anything weighing us down — but preferably without a trail of broken relationships in our wake and without a tonne of suppressed emotions inside of us.
But realising that we have been that common denominator gives us the POWER to change things from the inside…
That’s why I say, let your struggles, your loss, grief and childhood traumas that you are becoming aware of be a CATALYST for creating lasting change in your patterns which will benefit you long term and in all relationships.
Think about whether you have ever had the experience of thinking that your problems will go away with a change of scene or relationship…. What happened??
If you have been jumping from one relationship to the next or thinking that cutting people off and moving on is the only way to resolve things, then it may be time to take a deeper look at those patterns… and looking at those patterns is linked to this idea of cutting ties in a healthy way…which is what I want to talk more about…
Take a moment to think about if you have ever needed to cut someone out of your life… Maybe long term, maybe temporarily, or maybe you are in the process of considering it.
As I already said, sometimes creating that clear boundary is very important for us, and if any sort of abuse is involved… it may be essential
But when there is psychological abuse mixed in with unresolved past trauma it can get pretty tricky because you may no longer even recognise yourself and feel like you don’t even know who you are anymore.
The problem that I see with this is that much of the time we don’t realise the hurt that abruptly cutting someone out of our lives can cause us…
Many people that I have had the pleasure to support on their healing journey have discovered that they have been holding unresolved emotional residue, often guilt, shame and anger, that is connected with ‘cutting someone toxic from their lives’.
And, to get a little bit nerdy on you… the field of psycho-neuro-immunology has now shown us that these emotions, shame in particular, are linked to inflammation in our bodies, inflammation in turn being a big driver of mental health problems such as depression and suicidal ideation and physical health issues such as menstrual problems, digestive problems and brain fog… which lead to us feeling not so good mentally….. are you getting a sense of the vicious cycle that you can get stuck in here?
So, in order to cut ties without further hurting yourself:
Notice if when you have cut ties with someone, you have done it in such a hard and harsh way that you actually feel blocked, hardened or stuck in some way. This can be very common when we have grown up witnessing an inability in our caregivers to regulate their own emotions, or we have even watched them cut ties harshly and angrily themselves.
Check in with yourself to see if you have any unresolved feelings around cutting this tie, notice if you are doing anything to avoid those feelings (work, social media, complaining to others, and so on) and see if you can cope with them more positively by looking inside, journaling, finding someone who is able to listen without judging and so on..
Use the following cord cutting exercise to energetically clear bad feelings you may still be holding:
(I know this concept of cord cutting may sound a bit woo woo but stick with me cos it’s super powerful)
We are going to harness the power of your own visualisation to cut the energetic cords which bind you and that other person… (or sometimes it’s a web of these cords binding multiple people… or sometimes it is an ancestral cord)
This exercise is useful to do with anyone you have already cut ties with, with people you are considering cutting ties with and also with people that you don’t want out of your life as such but where you know there are tensions that you want to help to release.
So, let’s just do that now together:
It may be helpful to read each instruction and then close your eyes as this can help you to feel what is going on inside your body
Bring to mind someone who either you have cut ties with or you feel the need to cut contact with
Imagine them standing right there in front of you. If you feel the need you can welcome a protective presence like an angel to stand here with you and hold space. I also want you to welcome a mentor, a guide, someone in whose wisdom you trust.
How do you feel about this person now? Do you notice any feelings inside your body having them standing here in front of you? Maybe there is sadness, resentment, fear… maybe there is peace. Whatever it is, simply notice it.
Now, I want you to visualise a cord that binds you, maybe between your hearts, maybe your abdominal area…. And see in this cord… all of the confusion that has been created , misunderstandings, bad feelings, traumatic events, emotional outbursts… and see how the cord is filled with all these murky feelings and situations
Ok… now I want you to see your mentor stepping forward, with a cutting instrument of your choice… maybe a sword, a knife, scissors or a lightsaber… and they are going to cut this cord, so watching and feeling as this happens. And they are going to seal each of the ends with light, allowing only light to return to each of you, and now feeling the relief in your body from having cut these negative bonds..
Feeling lighter and freer, you can reopen your eyes when you are ready
If you felt a lot of strong feelings when this person first stood there in front of you, you might like to take some time to write a letter with all these feelings, expressing why you have been holding them and even writing a dialogue between you, try to allow the other person to speak from a place of their truth and not their ego.
So…You may have been encouraged (by someone or by yourself) to find courage to state your truth with the person in question, address it with them
… and only you will know if that would be useful…
..sometimes because of the wounds that we all may hold and react from, direct conversations can be more hurtful than they are productive
To get proper closure in a relationship is a wonderful thing. Especially when we feel, for whatever reason, we had to cut ties abruptly. This is where the magic of journey process work can be really so wonderful… as we simply see our relationships magically change around us… in inexplicable ways. You can apply for one of the 2 gift session I have left available this month by clicking here.
It’s important to remember that cutting ties or going no contact is a personal decision, and it’s okay to seek support from therapists, support groups, or trusted friends and family members during this process.
If you’re in a situation that involves abuse or danger, consider reaching out to professionals who can provide guidance and assistance.
I truly wish for you not to hold harsh bad feelings inside of you and I hope that today’s share has been of use.
